I love biscuits. No, listen to me: I really, really love biscuits. I love the way the bread gives way to my teeth, to my tongue, when I bite into one. The faint dusting of salt from the butter on the top is glorious. And the softness? I moan when I eat my biscuits, ya’ll. This is not a game.
I fancy myself a biscuit connoisseuse of sorts. I have been known to roll up at a fast-food chicken joint and casually ask for an order of biscuit with a side of two biscuits. I spread my biscuit love around, trying a biscuit here or there to see which place has the best one. I’d call myself a biscuit thot…(except THOT is the worst grammatically deficient slut-shaming word and if I’m going to slur myself, I need it to be right with
God and my Strunk & White).
So you can trust me when I say my ranking of fast food biscuits is definitive. It is trustworthy. It has been forged in the trial and error of rock-hard doughballs that purport themselves to be biscuity and lie. A biscuit, like booty, wins my favor when it is fat, fluffy, and round. Flavor is not a must, but a plus. I don’t often need my bikkits to do tricks. It just has to make me want to do them. Tricks, I mean.
In order of okayest to greatest, here is my definitive ranking of fast food biscuits. Note: I cannot be wrong and you cannot debate me on any of these.
KFC biscuits are acceptable. I will eat them. They seem to be the most manufactured of fast-food biscuits, however, always uniformly circular. They sometimes taste a little stale to me but that may have more to do with the franchise than the biscuit itself. KFC will do if you need a biscuit in a pinch.
#4. Red Lobster
I already know what you’re going to say. “But Dara, Red Lobster isn’t fast food!” Yes, it is. The swiftness with which they come up off them Cheddar Bay biscuits after you sit down qualifies Red Lobster as fast food. I love Cheddar Bay biscuits. It’s tops in the flavor department. You can taste what you believe is cheese in every bite. I have fantasized about going to the restaurant, ordering a water and just filling up off the bikkits. The seafood ain’t all that. Peak ratchetry.
#3. Church’s Chicken
Honey Butter Biscuits. With a name like that, where could you possibly go wrong? Church’s biscuit recipe has a slightly sweet honey glaze on the top to counter the tang of the butter and salt in the dough. It’s just marvelous. These biscuits are reliably good, and you cannot eat just one. Ask them for two at the window. Thank me later.
#2. Popeye’s Chicken
Now I know Popeye’s is the darling of the Internet as far as fast food goes. No, it’s not my number one, but it’s pretty frickin close. Those buttermilk babies melt onto your tastebuds and magic happens. You wanna talk about some soft biscuits with just the right amount of crunch on the top? ZOMG. These definitely do it for me every time. They aren’t too small and they have just enough moistness not to choke you. Perfection.
In my not-so-humble estimation, Bojangles chicken is trash but their biscuits are queen. These literally are the biggest, baddest biscuits on the market. I need two hands to eat them. They’ve got all the hallmarks of a traditionally great buttermilk biscuit, but better. They even have flavors! I have indeed driven all the way to Bojangles just to order biscuits. I demolish the first one before I leave the parking lot. Best biscuit ever.
*Note: I’ve left out a lot of regional franchises like Mrs. Winners (GA) and Frenchy’s (TX) mostly because I have limited experience with their biscuits. Frenchy’s actual fried chicken is Ace, though.
Although my biscuit ranking is not up for debate, you are more than welcome to share your own, less accurate ranking in the comments. What you got for #1 biscuit?